The Labor Of Rebirth By C-Section

"THE LABOR OF REBIRTH BY C-SECTION" ©2001 Jeni Fitts

This was done when I was about 25-26 years old. I was coming to terms with life and death and mental illness. The life I'd lived up to that point was shrouded and hidden away deep inside, even from myself. Many of those parts of me are still hidden today...I'd been in counseling for five years back then. Loved ones were dead too soon, others were in the process of dying...I was stuck in my home making paintings and felt ignored, as though the world didn't even know I existed...so I went through a rebirth of sorts. Everything held inside, all the darkness had to come out. Immediately. I was a person that had to change fundamentally. Between 1999-2001 I did, and it was the most grueling, painful "rebirth" I've yet gone through. All secrets and deeds, all thoughts and anger never expressed - but ignored and stuffed away - all had to come out at once. I've never been a mother, but that's what I imagined giving birth must feel like...although only if the mother is fully awake and unanesthetized during a Caeserian. All that came out from inside me then is gone, but there are always other things growing within like cancer that have to be purged emotionally by artistic means. This painting is an expression of what it felt like to be split open and exorcised. It'll happen again and again. That's just life. You can't heal by ignoring your pain, that will only last for a while. If you do, it will come back when you least expect or are least equipped to deal with it and it's possible to have it knock you down dead. That almost happened to me at age 20. I've seen it happen to others. Whatever your medium (painting/drawing, music, film, writing, praying, anything), use it to your advantage when you can. It can be done! You can survive near-death and come back with a vengeance. That cliché which says "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is true, but only if you act on it. Not if you just sit there and let it eat you alive. It's your decision! It's worth it...from caterpillar to coccoon to butterfly. It'll be ugly at first, but when it's done you can rest, and become that much closer to freedom.