Hypervigilance ©2019. Acrylic on canvasboard, 12"x 16"
Hypervigilance is kind of a mixed-bag of a term - medically it's treated as distinct from paranoia, but for me hypervigilance is more a symptom or even the outcome of paranoia. It's prominent in schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder (I've been diagnosed with both at different times) - probably the most prominent symptom in general public knowledge. But for the most part, when not in a psychotic state but sometimes even within one, I've suffered it and been aware of it. I'm lucky the people closest to me - my husband and parents - are good at alerting me when I sound paranoid to them. If my mom says "Can you hear yourself?" after I've said something really odd, or my husband says "That sounds kind of paranoid, Jen" in a non-confrontational tone (as always) I trust them and it's usually a huge relief. Then I know there's no true threat and I can relax.
It also quells the hypervigilance. For me, it's something I can't always turn off. It makes me overly watchful, it's one of the most unpleasant experiences. While I'm in remission from psychosis (which is most of the time, it's been almost 10 years since my last episode) it really only hits me hard during the second half of my menstrual cycle, during the time I suffer from PMDD (Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or "PMS on steroids") I get really uptight, anxious, paranoid, and extremely hypervigilant. I'm always watching myself (hoping not to anger or upset anyone) or I'm watching others ("Are they mad at me? Do they hate me? Did I fuck up again? Am I being ignored on purpose? What did I do wrong? I know I did something wrong!"). It doesn't stop. It doesn't rest. It feels no pity. It's the goddamn Terminator. The only difference is it dies off after about two weeks, a few days into the actual period. Before that I'm a mess to be around.
I'm actually writing this in a state of PMDD-instigated hypervigilance. It's been a rough day or two. My apologies for any talk that's too dark in this post.
Like the painting above, finished last week, the voices (internal criticism from my own mind) are hissing at me about how horrible a person I am. So many reasons, so many different thoughts. An onslaught of disgust. It's hard to understand in this frame of mind why people like me. Or why they tolerate me. Then the depressive voices chime in - "You're cruel! You've hurt everyone around you. They'll all leave you!" Hence the mouths screaming at the subject in the painting. She is unprotected by hair, clothes, any covering whatsoever. Presented in humiliation, perpetually on the verge of tears, trying not to listen while the voices only crowd around closer, louder.
The crown of eyes is the hypervigilance itself. Eyes watching in all directions to spot the smallest clues to validate a reason to be so overly observant. What did I tweet that was so offensive/cringy/embarrassing/wrong? What did I "like" on Facebook or Instagram that makes me look so horrible to everyone? What did I say to anger my family? Have I been too mean to anyone? Should I apologize again? What have I said or done that makes me a burden to everyone I know? I don't know. Keep looking!
or
Did they just say that because they know I'm horrible? Is that comment actually a passive-aggressive dig at me?
It keeps on going like that. It's worse at night. Sometimes it becomes rumination that speeds up and keeps me from being able to sleep. Too many thoughts, or only one thought circling in my head until I get so exhausted by it that I fantasize about trepanation. At least momentarily. Instead though, I usually just get up and start drawing. Just for an hour, then I go back to bed. My eyes are always scanning, for my own mistakes or external threats. A crown of unblinking eyes, ever watchful. Yet I never find anything conclusive, only speculation. Not knowing is the worst.
If you've made it down to this point in the post - well, even to those who haven't - thanks for listening. Thanks for not rejecting me. I'm not the only one that's like this. I made this painting to try and tell in an image (that's probably hard to understand) what it feels like. It's very weird, I know. It feels as bizarre as it looks. The thing is that there are other people with schizophrenia out there (1% of the general population - you know, one in 100 people) or schizoaffective disorder. There are others (3% to 8% of those who menstruate) who suffer from PMDD. There's another subset of people with both. I know quite a few of these people. I'm one of them. Please treat us kindly, please forgive us if we get uncharacteristically angry. It really isn't your fault. It's an illness, or more than one illness. As of yet there's no cure - only management for the symptoms. All you need to know is in the face of the woman looking out at you from the center of the painting. It hurts.
As always, thank you for your patience with me and the things I say or do. I hope you can appreciate the painting for what it is. I hope those like me who suffer similarly (or those who identify with the painting) will be comforted that they are not alone.
