Weakness In Its Purest Form

The title is in reference to a Crowbar album (Sonic Excess In Its Purest Form) that I got around the time I did this painting (just after Christmas 2003). Around then many things were changing and I didn't think I was up to life's demands. I still can't listen to that Crowbar album without feeling pain. This is basically a self-portrait, which I could say for any painting of mine, no matter the subject. So much promise,  ability, and fury... and unable to use any of it.

Old Classics: "NOVEMBER", 2001

November

In late Nov. of 2000, my aunt - my mom's sister - committed suicide. The problem was that she was so emotionally troubled and so drained of life. This, and a lack of good medical/psychological help that may have saved her. The loss of her was unbearable for more than just my immediate family (so much so that I've lost a lot of memory of most of 2001), and I did many paintings about it and the way it haunted me, since I had been suicidal for all of my teen years and beyond until I DID get proper medical care. I could relate, up until then. After my aunt died I swore off suicide for any reason and still stand by that vow. I would only force those who love me into abject despair. When the 1st anniversary of her death came in Nov 2001, I was a complete mess, so I used my art to help me. This painting is how I felt November might make me feel for years to come, that the memories of the dead - and Death itself - would come back to torment me yearly. This painting is from that 1st anniversary in 2001. And yes, it helped. A little bit.