It's been a long year.
One thing after another. I've been ill in so many different ways since May 2016 that I don't have enough time here to describe it all. I have tried to refrain from complaining online, I didn't know if it was anyone else's business or not - I just didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Which is an ironic complaint, considering the type of paintings I put out.
Since sometime in the summer of 2016 I've been working with my doctors to lower many medications I've been on for years that - altogether - end up being too much any human body should have to consume in a day's time. I have been very zombie-like, very tired, and unable to paint for a good long while. Reducing those medications, all of them psychiatric, was necessary. I've been working with my doctor to gradually taper down on almost all of them.
Things were moving along, even though some of my old symptoms returned. It was all temporary, even if it was excruciating. I have to publicly thank my parents and my fiancé Corey for putting up with me during those times - and even now - because it's still not over yet.
I was supposed to be done with the reductions in late February, right after Corey had visited me and then gone back home. I was on a new medication (Abilify) and we were able to raise it the following week. Within a few days of that, however, I developed a severe negative reaction called an Acute Dystonic Reaction. It's not the first time this had ever happened, unfortunately, but it's still horribly terrifying. What happens is different muscle groups in the body begin to convulse in what *looks* like a full-body epileptic seizure - but it isn't. It's just as uncontrollable, but unfortunately the difference is that you remain nearly fully conscious the entire time. Sometimes consciousness is a bit altered, but you are still aware of sounds outside of you - doctors talking to you in the E.R, medicines they give to counteract what are called "extrapyramidal symptoms" - usually 50 mg of Benadryl does the trick. I ended up needing to go to the E.R. two days in a row, and was told to immediately quit the Abilify... cold turkey. So I did. After that, I went into a prolonged withdrawal that had to be endured, there were no medications to take care of something like that - the only thing that could be done was to change the doses of other medications in order to keep the psychiatric problems from going haywire. Consequently, I don't remember too much of March or April except that things were chaotic. And although for the most part the withdrawal has ended, some of the muscle spasms remain and show up periodically, without warning.
The main symptoms I had to deal with were various muscle spasms in every part of the body, similar to the times I'd gone to the E.R. - especially in the morning and at night, right around sleep. (How I was able to sleep I have no clue!) The one this painting deals with are the facial spasms, called oromandibular dystonia and - although not explicitly depicted here - oculogyric crisis. In English, jaw muscles/tongue muscles contracting, clenching teeth shut, opening the jaw wide, random movements that are not under conscious control. As for the eyes - oculogyric crisis - many times the eyes roll around or back up into the head, eyelids flutter and squeeze shut, squinting, or having pain during exposure to light (photophobia).
The painting - Acute Dystonic Reaction to Atypical Antipsychotic Medication - is what my face has looked like - on and off - since March. It's not quite a self-portrait (I don't even have blue eyes), but it's a self-portrait in spirit. It's not a sneer in the strictest sense, but it is in a looser context, for sure! The issues left me with a lot of frustration and anger at the time I lost and the situation I'm still in now (to a lesser degree).
One final caveat. This was an allergic reaction to the medication I was given, not the typical reaction. Most people who take it never have this happen. For people with mental disorders that require these medications (bipolar disorder/schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder) - you need to be on these medications as your doctor orders you. No two people's reactions to any one medication are the same. I'm already predisposed to dystonic reactions because they've happened to me before. Most people are not. Don't not take your meds because of what I've described. Do, however, be careful about what you take, and keep the prescribing doctor notified of any effects not expected. If you want to live a normal life, you need to take these meds. But they don't always come without consequence, so do be careful and stay informed. But don't quit them without the advice of your doctors. To do that is extremely dangerous and will most likely leave you worse off than before. What I had to do here was under the direction of several doctors and not my own decision. It was out of my hands.
I hope I haven't darkened your day! It's not my intention to depress people, most people are good at doing that on their own. My intention is to inform about my experience, that's what my paintings are about. My experiences, catharsis and therapy, and stuff I just think looks really cool. I've got several other paintings waiting on me to finish them as we speak - I usually work on about four to five paintings at once. It keeps the boredom away. I've uploaded a short "making of" video of the new painting here. It's not comprehensive, but I had fun seeing the construction of it from "face-like blob of paint" to "I hope this looks like an actual photo!" I'll leave that up for you to decide. Enjoy!
