Spiral Madness, ©2007. Acrylic on Canvasboard. Sums up how I've felt for a long time.
Anyone who knows me somewhat online might have noticed I haven't been painting much, and to some degree I've been exceedingly quiet (except maybe for Twitter). Some of you who follow me might remember the website I've been talking about making for at least the last 2 years, without anything to show for it yet.
(Heh, there is a website - it's just not live yet or usable as a store - need to fix some bugs and that costs $$$. Here's a link if you feel inclined to give it a look:
Maybe you've noticed I'm doing more sketches than paintings the past 2 months, or that my Facebook page has only been sporadically active since early 2017.
Well, let me tell you what's happened. Hopefully it won't sound like a bunch of "woe is me" wallowing, but really, it's been a really up and down time.
recent mood swings
By now I think the cat is far out of the bag that I have mental/emotional issues (schizophrenia / schizoaffective disorder), and that has been the worst part of it. I haven't been psychotic - but my medications have been fiddled with and not very carefully handled by two of the last psychiatrists I've had in just as many years. I had some physical medical emergencies in May 2016 that required me to lower my medication immediately. The medical problems (severe urinary retention/possible kidney infection) were created by compounded side effects of the massive amounts of psych meds I was on then. The thing about psychiatric medications is that they do cause some minor urinary retention (it depends on the person and the dose) and constipation, so because of the emergency the doctors told me this is why I had the problems. Also, that I would have to work with my psychiatrist to correct the issues. Doctor's orders.
So within a week of this, my then-psychiatrist decided to lower all my meds at the same time.
That was a horrible idea.
I was taking high doses of several meds at the time (not counting the non-psych meds):
1. Neurontin/Gabapentin - mood stabilizer
2. Seroquel/Quietiapine - antipsychotic
3.Effexor XR - antidepressant
4.Trazodone - sleep aid and very old (1st generation) antidepressant
5. Klonopin/Clonazepam - a benzodiazepine that is addictive in nature, anti-anxiety.
After the 1st round of med reduction, I had too much trouble sleeping, nightmares, horrible paranoia, angry outbursts at the 3 people I love the most, etc... It was weird and I tried as hard to hold onto sanity as I could. Not even a week later I had told the psychiatrist it was problem-ridden, and mercifully he slowed the reduction down. It was still awful, just not as much as the first 3 days. I had the shakes and a lot of sweating (thanks to the benzo addiction with the Klonopin), hot flashes, cold flashes, it was like being very ill with an endless migraine. Sensitivity to all stimuli. Light, sound, touch, smell, taste. Everything. And so much outrageous irritability.
There were some auditory hallucinations peppered in. Just a few, but disturbing enough. Just sounds of people talking late into the night while I was awake in bed. I couldn't make out what they were saying, fortunately. Over the summer of 2016, I was constantly sick and on antibiotics for recurrent UTI problems due to a foley catheter I'd been wearing for two months. The antibiotics did nothing to help my brain issues, they exacerbated them. Until January 2017 I stayed as far away from social media as I could due to my recently acquired paranoia. By that time though, I had gone down far enough on all my meds - especially Seroquel (the antipsychotic, probably the most important med I take) - that my psychiatrist wanted to start me on a new antipsychotic called Abilify. So we did.
It worked wonderfully for about a month on the first dosage. Aside from the side effects (restless legs, pressure of speech (very unusual for me because I'm not much of a talker), and more insomnia, the good things were that I felt much more sociable as well as feeling full of ideas for my art, especially the paintings. It was awesome and I do wish I still felt as disinhibited and imaginative. However, after that short time we went up on the dose again. That was bad.
Within a few hours or days (I honestly can't remember), I started having movement issues in my arms, legs and jaw that I knew - from experience, unfortunately - meant I needed to get to the ER as fast as I could because I was on the verge of an acute dystonic reaction.
And, that's what it was. I don't remember much, it impedes your ability to understand time in a normal way even though you are somewhat conscious the entire time, if not in and out of it. I remember having to go a second time the very next day as well. I also noticed upon arriving home that everything was just weird... I can't explain it adequately with words but I'll try.
There were lots of voices, I know some of them were internal monologues (the kind that everyone has) but they were mixed up with all the external voices in an odd cacophony, I couldn't separate any of them. When I spoke, I realized my words didn't make sense. The sentences were weird, I'd fly off topic and get embarrassed and start giggling, which I'm sure didn't make me appear sane as I thought I was. And all the visuals one sees in their head, the mind's eye - they were mixed up with actual visuals from what my eyes could see as well. I was also terrified I wouldn't be able to sleep that night, but the weird thing was that the moment my head hit my pillow I was out. On the way there though, were visions and sounds of constant talking mixed together. It was confusing and scary. It has happened before though, and I realized it was drug-induced delirium. Fortunately, that kind of thing tends to fix itself in a few days or less. If not, it's back to the ER for you.
My psychiatrist heard about this through my mom (who had been my caretaker for a long time along with my dad). I had to quit the Abilify cold turkey. Again, doctor's orders. Nothing was said about adding back any seroquel or any other antipsychotic. Then there were the withdrawal symptoms.
I have few memories of this time except my body would not stop moving or squirming, and I felt as though I literally needed to claw myself out of my skin. There was no comfort in sitting quietly, because I couldn't. My memory was impaired heavily for most of March/April 2017. I think my mom was able to convince my Dr to assign me more medications back so I could return to baseline functioning. He did - to a point. By summer 2017 he refused to go any further due to ethical reasons (his own). I was having routine anxiety attacks and because of the nature of Clonazepam (a controlled substance and a benzo) because it would worsen my memory issues. He would do no more and said I was welcome to a second opinion. While he was right about the memory loss, the anxiety made life unlivable and our second opinion was not from a doctor but a psychiatric nurse. If I wanted another psychiatrist I'd need new insurance or I'd have to pay out of pocket.
Psychiatrists are not cheap.
I have nothing against psychiatric nurses - I have nothing against the psychiatric nurse I went to because he really tried his best. But he only knew so much, most of it about depression and anxiety - but not about psychotic illnesses. Fortunately, as by July that year I was having disabling anxiety and couldn't leave my bedroom, he allowed me some clonazepam additions, and it kept the anxiety at bay. I'm very thankful for that. But there was nothing that could be done about the new, increasing and overwhelming depression. I wasn't having any other issues aside from that the way I was after the removal of Abilify. I was sane, but still paranoid and incredibly afraid I was letting the world and myself down. Most things I did or said online (those that were humorous) were not representative of my actual feelings, and as for art, the well of ideas was dry. Humor was a defense mechanism for me so no one would think I was worthless to be acquainted with. Or crazy. Whether it worked or not, I don't know. Thanks to those of you who stayed.
