"Medicated Into Compliance" ©2019. 11"x 14"
I've been a psychiatric patient for so long that it's hard to remember a time when I wasn't. Some of the things I used to have a photographic memory for have faded, mainly because of the medication.
In the interest of full disclosure, I've had a diagnosis of either paranoid schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder since 1994, when I was first treated for what I thought was a panic disorder at age 19. I've been medicated ever since.
I have a love-hate relationship with the medication, because it has kept me sane - and if not sane, it has kept me from suicide and institutionalization (although part of that credit goes to the therapist I had at the time). I still have quite a bit of paranoia, but I'm not psychotic (to my knowledge), and when I was my therapist reminded me of it because in schizophrenia you lose insight of it and will remain in a state of believing in your delusions and hallucinations. Having had both, I would much rather be aware of it coming from inside my mind than in believing they are actually real. That is at least 1000 times more frightening than having an awareness of them as constructs of my broken mind. Medication helps me to keep track of these thoughts and experiences.
However, I have to take a TON of medicine to maintain this awareness.
I've been a psychiatric patient for so long that it's hard to remember a time when I wasn't. Some of the things I used to have a photographic memory for have faded, mainly because of the medication.
In the interest of full disclosure, I've had a diagnosis of either paranoid schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder since 1994, when I was first treated for what I thought was a panic disorder at age 19. I've been medicated ever since.
I have a love-hate relationship with the medication, because it has kept me sane - and if not sane, it has kept me from suicide and institutionalization (although part of that credit goes to the therapist I had at the time). I still have quite a bit of paranoia, but I'm not psychotic (to my knowledge), and when I was my therapist reminded me of it because in schizophrenia you lose insight of it and will remain in a state of believing in your delusions and hallucinations. Having had both, I would much rather be aware of it coming from inside my mind than in believing they are actually real. That is at least 1000 times more frightening than having an awareness of them as constructs of my broken mind. Medication helps me to keep track of these thoughts and experiences.
However, I have to take a TON of medicine to maintain this awareness.
Morning Night
My psychiatric medication.
Supplements to keep the side effects of the medications in check.
All my medications/supplements, together.
Medicated Into Compliance
Many times I've been taken off of and restarted on so many different medications that I cannot possibly remember the names of all of them. Some I do remember are:
Antidepressants - Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Effexor XR, Lamictal, Trazodone, etc.
Antipsychotics - Trilafon, Risperidone, Zyprexa, Abilify, Seroquel, Lamictal?, etc...
Antianxiety/Anxiolytics - Ativan, Xanax, Clonazepam - these are all benzodiazepines and addictive.
Many of these medications work, others don't. Some stop working after a long enough time. I have to sometimes take different new non-psychiatric drugs to maintain my body's health due to the various side effects of these meds, including (as warned in the Rx literature) but not limited to:
Constipation, urinary retention, weight gain, suicidal thoughts or behaviors, closed eye visuals, blurred vision, dry mouth, inability to metabolize the medication, and the worst: acute dystonic reaction.
After time has passed some unexpected side effects were: hair loss, enlarged bladder, urinary blockage, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, substantial memory loss, pre-diabetic condition, akathesia, restless leg syndrome.
The one primary side affect unique to all of them: Sedation.
These are just things that have happened to me, I can't speak for everyone. Because of these I need to take L-methylfolate (a supplement) to metabolize medications. I've also become extremely physically sensitive to new medication, psychiatric or not, and the methylfolate is to (hopefully) keep me from yet another dystonic reaction where I end up in the ER, inevitably. It's happened so often I've developed Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. This just means I have acute dystonic-like convulsions not related to medical imbalance, but as a reaction to physical anxiety or a hidden mental anxiety that comes out through the convulsions/seizure-like activity.
At least I'm compliant with my medications, though. I'm sane. Somewhat.
My second psychiatrist, whom I saw for a long time - the longest time out of all psychiatrists I've had, we used to call Dr Feelgood because he doubled the medication for each symptom (since schizophrenia has no cure, you can only manage the symptoms) so that I'd have two antianxiety meds, two antipsychotics, two antidepressants, and so on. I don't know wy he did this. It may have been the pharmaceutical companies he worked with encouraged a quota, maybe he wasn't as reliable as I thought, maybe he was inexperienced (he was fairly young), maybe he was trying to stop a disaster I couldn't see coming. I don't know why. But this led me into a zombie-like state that I've grown accustomed to over the years. It's not fun. It sucks to be so tired even after a night of nine hours' sleep that you need two naps during the daytime, and then back to bed at night. It meant I couldn't drive (I kept falling asleep at the wheel and in one instance totaled my mom's car), I had to sleep, I had to be indoors most of the time. It caused more depression because I had no life to speak of except for painting.
In the end, this particular psychiatrist quit his practice without notice to me or his other patients, and we were all shocked. He'd taken up a job as a prison/penitentiary psychiatrist. (I'm sure that went over well with the security guards and other authorities. Drug them into silence, to sleep.)
This is what this painting means for me. "Medicated into compliance". I am (obviously) still somewhat bitter about some of the psychiatrists I've had and what they've done to me. Two of them in particular, the rest were just trying to help. But throughout all this, my medicinal cocktail has always made me sleepy, slow to respond, exhausted, zombielike. Sometimes (with certain psychiatrists I've had) I've felt like they just wanted me to stop calling, stop asking for help, stop my parents from calling on my behalf because I was too tired to explain properly - "just load her up on more meds and she'll stop." Yeah, thanks.
So I'm bitter. How should I feel?
Currently, however, I'm going down on Seroquel (the one antipsychotic that has helped more than it hurt) because I'm tired so much of the time and have to cancel a lot of plans (for more than just sleepiness, but usually because of something one of the side effects is causing). It was only as high as it was temporarily, so that I could move up from the U.S. to marry my husband and live up here with him in Canada. The immigration process beforehand (and even now, sometimes) was causing more stress than I could handle and I actually had to ask for more medication, primarily Seroquel. For legal reasons and because Clonazepam (antianxiety med) is a controlled substance, I couldn't raise that. I'd be in a stupor, anyway, it would defeat the purpose. Still, I was afraid I was going to have a relapse and from the inside view (the only one I have) I thought it was likely I would. Happily, I didn't. My psychiatrist at the time (the best I've ever had, arguably!) told me it was only for a short time, and to lower it when I was settled in and calmer. Well, I'm settled in and (I hope!) calmer, so we are now lowering Seroquel as expected with my new Canadian psychiatrist.
Psychiatric medication is never a sure bet, but most often it alleviates more issues than it causes, and for that reason, I participate in my compliance. It doesn't mean I'm not tired though! I do have coffee and it works wonders to keep me awake enough to do my art, my only work. I think if the pros outweigh the cons, and to prevent suicide, medication is good for me. I can't speak for others because every patient is different. But the pressure schizophrenia and/or schizoaffective disorder put on me, the medication saved my life. I'd have been dead since 1994 if not. And I'm glad I'm still here, even if I am overly tired most of the time. It's worth it for me. But I still wish I didn't have to take anything.
Medicated Into Compliance time-lapse.
