Her Rage Drained Her Like A Vampire

"Her Rage Drained Her Like A Vampire" ©2002 Jeni Fitts

Suicide. Again. Maybe I'm not so different from you, that maybe you have known someone who has died by their own hand...maybe it was you who attempted it and survived. Maybe you've just thought about it fleetingly. For my aunt whom I love, she was successful. And it was made possible - for her and for many others - not only out of depression or desperation, but by the anger and pent-up rage that has no outlet. That's what it was for me in 1994, when I tried to die. I never spoke to anyone about anything ever, and all the rage from my broken brain (because I was legitimately mentally ill) and my broken heart and - finally - broken dreams after I was forced to quit college because of my frequent panic attacks in class, I decided "That's it. Final straw." For me and most other people rage was a factor. It claws and gnaws at you all the time, even in sleep! My nightmares then were proof of it. And so much displaced rage. I've heard the phrase "Depression is rage turned inward, against yourself", and I agree. It's a life-sucking, blood drinking vampire. The difference is the choice before you. When you get to that point, do you let your anger kill you - or do you finally open up to someone and start talking so that it lessens? For me, I opened up, and I lived. For my aunt, she did not, and died. You have to be a willing victim and accomplice to that "vampire" in order for it to drain you. And yeah, there's a choice. There's ALWAYS a choice. Don't play the victim. Live.