Her Rage Drained Her Like A Vampire

"Her Rage Drained Her Like A Vampire" ©2002 Jeni Fitts

Suicide. Again. Maybe I'm not so different from you, that maybe you have known someone who has died by their own hand...maybe it was you who attempted it and survived. Maybe you've just thought about it fleetingly. For my aunt whom I love, she was successful. And it was made possible - for her and for many others - not only out of depression or desperation, but by the anger and pent-up rage that has no outlet. That's what it was for me in 1994, when I tried to die. I never spoke to anyone about anything ever, and all the rage from my broken brain (because I was legitimately mentally ill) and my broken heart and - finally - broken dreams after I was forced to quit college because of my frequent panic attacks in class, I decided "That's it. Final straw." For me and most other people rage was a factor. It claws and gnaws at you all the time, even in sleep! My nightmares then were proof of it. And so much displaced rage. I've heard the phrase "Depression is rage turned inward, against yourself", and I agree. It's a life-sucking, blood drinking vampire. The difference is the choice before you. When you get to that point, do you let your anger kill you - or do you finally open up to someone and start talking so that it lessens? For me, I opened up, and I lived. For my aunt, she did not, and died. You have to be a willing victim and accomplice to that "vampire" in order for it to drain you. And yeah, there's a choice. There's ALWAYS a choice. Don't play the victim. Live.

Breakthroughs Don't Come Easy!

And that's exactly what this painting is about, breakthroughs. I did this in 2004 during a deep, dark, clinical depression that lasted most of the year. I was trying to get free of it, it wasn't working. Eventually I did! And this is how it felt...gray, dark, like the line in a U2 song ("Until The End Of The World") - "I was drowning in sorrows, but my sorrows - they learned to swim..." My own sorrows were pulling me down, my demons came for me. Still, I got free. It took a long time and I've had to do it again and again. Breakthroughs don't come easy. But they do come! You have to fight for it.

Why Did You Leave Me?

This one is ooooooooooooooooold! From 1999. Apparently I have abandonment issues...in 1999 I really tried to take the bull by the horns. Attack the pain, destroy everything. Like the Meshuggah album, "Destroy, Erase, Improve." This is pain. This is therapy. Art heals.

Weakness In Its Purest Form

The title is in reference to a Crowbar album (Sonic Excess In Its Purest Form) that I got around the time I did this painting (just after Christmas 2003). Around then many things were changing and I didn't think I was up to life's demands. I still can't listen to that Crowbar album without feeling pain. This is basically a self-portrait, which I could say for any painting of mine, no matter the subject. So much promise,  ability, and fury... and unable to use any of it.

Old Classics: "NOVEMBER", 2001

November

In late Nov. of 2000, my aunt - my mom's sister - committed suicide. The problem was that she was so emotionally troubled and so drained of life. This, and a lack of good medical/psychological help that may have saved her. The loss of her was unbearable for more than just my immediate family (so much so that I've lost a lot of memory of most of 2001), and I did many paintings about it and the way it haunted me, since I had been suicidal for all of my teen years and beyond until I DID get proper medical care. I could relate, up until then. After my aunt died I swore off suicide for any reason and still stand by that vow. I would only force those who love me into abject despair. When the 1st anniversary of her death came in Nov 2001, I was a complete mess, so I used my art to help me. This painting is how I felt November might make me feel for years to come, that the memories of the dead - and Death itself - would come back to torment me yearly. This painting is from that 1st anniversary in 2001. And yes, it helped. A little bit.

Old Classics

"I Wish I Could Remember Your Face"

I painted this in 1999/2000 when I was starting to finally get my "art-mojo" working for the first time. Every painting I do is a self portrait, no matter the subject or image. At this time, I was trying to overcome the pain of a therapist who was the first ever to help me out of very serious depression. He was only a resident, and took care of me for several months. At that point he probably knew more about me than anyone else. A few months later, he took a new job after his residency was over. I was blindsided by this, still extremely sick, and devastated. I did many paintings like this to work my pain out. For the first time I realized how much power and healing there is in expressing yourself on canvas. I've painted ever since.

How to Really Screw Up A Painting

So...when I last posted this painting it looked like this:

Which is totally fine and dandy, I was happy. But it's still not done.

So, the last time I worked on it, I tried to add some..."personality", I guess one would say. So I added an upturned lip, some teeth, and made the eye bigger, and unhappily it then looked like this...

And damn! I was pissed with myself. It's too cartoonish and less realistic (relatively speaking)! Since this photo though, I went away for the Christmas holiday and went back to the painting the same night I came home. It's looking better now, I backtracked a good bit. So, until the next updated evo, your going to have to look at this misstep. Enjoy! Or...not? Up to you.
Both photos copyright Jeni Fitts, 2014