Weakness In Its Purest Form

The title is in reference to a Crowbar album (Sonic Excess In Its Purest Form) that I got around the time I did this painting (just after Christmas 2003). Around then many things were changing and I didn't think I was up to life's demands. I still can't listen to that Crowbar album without feeling pain. This is basically a self-portrait, which I could say for any painting of mine, no matter the subject. So much promise,  ability, and fury... and unable to use any of it.

Old Classics: "NOVEMBER", 2001

November

In late Nov. of 2000, my aunt - my mom's sister - committed suicide. The problem was that she was so emotionally troubled and so drained of life. This, and a lack of good medical/psychological help that may have saved her. The loss of her was unbearable for more than just my immediate family (so much so that I've lost a lot of memory of most of 2001), and I did many paintings about it and the way it haunted me, since I had been suicidal for all of my teen years and beyond until I DID get proper medical care. I could relate, up until then. After my aunt died I swore off suicide for any reason and still stand by that vow. I would only force those who love me into abject despair. When the 1st anniversary of her death came in Nov 2001, I was a complete mess, so I used my art to help me. This painting is how I felt November might make me feel for years to come, that the memories of the dead - and Death itself - would come back to torment me yearly. This painting is from that 1st anniversary in 2001. And yes, it helped. A little bit.

Old Classics

"I Wish I Could Remember Your Face"

I painted this in 1999/2000 when I was starting to finally get my "art-mojo" working for the first time. Every painting I do is a self portrait, no matter the subject or image. At this time, I was trying to overcome the pain of a therapist who was the first ever to help me out of very serious depression. He was only a resident, and took care of me for several months. At that point he probably knew more about me than anyone else. A few months later, he took a new job after his residency was over. I was blindsided by this, still extremely sick, and devastated. I did many paintings like this to work my pain out. For the first time I realized how much power and healing there is in expressing yourself on canvas. I've painted ever since.

How to Really Screw Up A Painting

So...when I last posted this painting it looked like this:

Which is totally fine and dandy, I was happy. But it's still not done.

So, the last time I worked on it, I tried to add some..."personality", I guess one would say. So I added an upturned lip, some teeth, and made the eye bigger, and unhappily it then looked like this...

And damn! I was pissed with myself. It's too cartoonish and less realistic (relatively speaking)! Since this photo though, I went away for the Christmas holiday and went back to the painting the same night I came home. It's looking better now, I backtracked a good bit. So, until the next updated evo, your going to have to look at this misstep. Enjoy! Or...not? Up to you.
Both photos copyright Jeni Fitts, 2014

"My Beautiful One"

I always have fun painting angels. Sometimes when I need consolation and can't find it at a certain time in another person I'll just make a painting of consolation, and it makes me feel better. I also hope it helps calm the viewer too. This piece was completed in 2004, and is now in the possession of my fiance.

Jeni Fitts Bio